~My Blessings~

The other day Kirstynn asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I sat there for a couple of min. and finally responded I want nothing. I have every blessing I could ever dream of. As I sat on the computer last night crying looking back on the last 8 months of my life, It came to me. I personally have the best family and friends I could ever have. When I found out something was Different with Gabby I went through a Horrible Depression. And as I look back upon that section of my life, I see that Natalie, Shaun, Many of my Aunts, My mom, and some very close friends were surrounding me with so much hope. In fact when I was talking/writing them I can see it in my writing that It was probably the only thing that kept me going. There were days i honestly would sit in my bathroom and cry.... And not want to get back up so afraid. I wished honestly there was a hole that I could crawl into That I could have just died in. I was afraid to go to sleep fearing Gabby would die inside me while I was sleeping and the kick I just felt would be the last. I felt God was punishing me for all the bad choices I had made in my life, and that He did not love me. I was told by so many Dr's to just "get rid of my daughter" because it was in the best interest of her. My husband stood behind he always picking me up on them days. I can remember with each painful test that I went through that John was sitting next to me. Holding my hand, and praying with me...The weeks before Gabriella was born, someone finally told me *Dr. Painter* Maria this is not your fault, You did not do this to Gabby. I know when a mom looks at me with that face, that is what is going through their mind. He told me that There is hope for Gabby, and that If I have giving up, who else is there to fight for her! I always put on a front with everyone that I talked to because if you really knew what was going through my mind, well I would have put in the crazy hospital. I don't know why God gave me my Gabby. I cant imagine why he would have gave her to us. I still feel to this day that I am not smart enough, I have missed some things like with her eyes. I feel so much guilt over. I get angry with myself for not pushing to get her shunt put in sooner. I feel often that I am pushing my other kids aside so this way I can get Gabby's PT, or OT done. I am also having some major issues with Kiera and Dillon's mom. I hold anger toward her so often. It hard to forgive her when I feel she has learned nothing,. I am trying so hard to be a better Mom, friend, Sister, cousin, and Daughter. I don't know where to go, or how to get there so many times of my life. I talk to other moms who are sitting in my shoes, just there are just finding out. It pains my heart, I know how they feel. When I went to the hospital to have Gabby, it was the most scared I have ever been in my life. The things that happened to me that day will never compare to any other day in my life. I was so afraid of what was going to happen. I am so grateful that Dr. Eldberg was there, and helped me deliver my Gabby. When I finished pushing her out, it was the most scared I have ever been. All I wanted was to hear her cry. The hole OR was in silence. Then we all heard a faint cry. I could finally breath. They tried to whisk her off to the NICU, but Dr. Eldberg stopped them and made it clear that my only request was to hold my daughter, kiss her and tell her that I loved her. I truly wanted to make sure that she knew that I was there, and that no matter what happened that I loved her. After a couple of min. I handed her off to John. The tears were pouring down his face as he looked into her eyes. I saw him whisper to her that she had to make it, that we needed her, and that her loved her. Then away she went to the NICU. I was pushed off back into my room, where we sat for almost 2 hours. I was freaking out, wanting to go see my daughter, no one telling us how she was or where she was. I had a nurse walk into my room put me into a wheel chair and race me down a couple of hallways. I was SICK by the time she got me to my new room. In fact I was pissed she dumped me off, and ran away. I demanded to have my nurse come to my room, and tell me how to get to my daughter. John carefully helped me get into a new wheelchair, and slowly walked me to the NICU. We went through 2 sets of locked doors, and finally i was in NICU C/D. I went in and my heart sank as we walked by all these little beds, and all I could see was 2 feet up over a rolled blanket. Finally at the end of the row, was my little Gabby. All snuggle laying there so peacefully. I asked if I could hold my daughter. We had an awesome nurse, walk over explain to us that she was doing wonderfully. And that we could hold her and feed her. A nice lady walked in wanting to do Gabby's EEG on her, so We layed her back down and headed back to the room. Let me say this . I was put in a side room and let to learn how to pump, and do every thing by my self. I was scared, pissed an upset all in one. Needless to say God answered all of every ones prayers, and soon enough... Gabriella was up in my room. I can honestly say this is when My faith started to return. I was holding my angel, with no tubes, no equipment, just holding her. And she was happy. The only thing I wish I would have done is push for Dr. Hertle to come. I even asked several times, because Dr. Painter had she needed to have her eyes checked. If I only knew, how much pain she had really been in because of her eyes. To this day I feel so much guilt. I should have pushed more, but I did not. On July 4 I got to bring her home. I can say walking into my house watching my kids burst into tears, was the moment that I knew God had heard. He had heard every pray that I had ever said. When I look back upon that day it still brings me to tears. Dillon's face as her saw her, The tears that came from hem to see his sister. It was the happiest he had ever been. His sister was OK, She was home. We did not get to go see fireworks that night. We knew it would be to much for her. I felt horrible that we had to take that away from our kids, but to be honest they did not mind. We set of a couple of small fireworks at home, and for some reason they were happy to just do that. I can say I have seen my kids go from very selfish, to very giving and happy for what they have instead of what they don't have. Our house is magical on the 4 of July. Out back along the creek line, all the firefly's hatch and it looks like a Disney movie. For about 1/2 mile the hole tree line lights up. We in fact talk about how mystical it is. Every year we say how we cant wait for it. And to be honest it was a magical day for us. We all stand in our backyard and stare for about 3 hours we feel we are some of the most lucky people. Its a work of God. Maybe God knew that It would be a magical day for our family. Maybe that why its happens at our house. I personally think he knew that when we moved here it would be a special day. SO when She came home on the 4th, It was our magical day. God had giving us Gabby to bring home, to our family. So during this holiday, Please remember God is the reason we had CHRISTmas. HE gave his son, His only child to us, so we could have all these magical moments in our lives. I know that God was not punishing me. He was blessing me, Giving me Gabby. Through Gabby i have become more great full, thank full, and My faith has returned. During my holiday season I am going to have Pastor Jim baptise my children. I know that everyday with Gabriella is not a promise. Its a gift. And rightfully right now she is wearing an outfit that looks like she is a present. I may not always have answer, I may not always know what comes next in my life, or where I will be in a year. I can honestly say That I am leaving it in Gods hands. I cant imagine how hard it was for him to give all of us freedom from our sins by him giving up his only son. What a magical act for him to do. So if I have one thing to tell everyone is please be grateful for each day. Think about all your decisions before you make them. Forgive people for their mistakes. I cant thank God enough for my family. It may not always be picture perfect, but It could not be anymore perfect to me. I want to say thank you to everyone. I plan on writing more about my life with the struggles of Gabriella's. I want everyone to know what I go through, and it is hard. I want other people to get hope from her, to see that god does give us miracles. She is a living miracle. She is beating all the odds. Thanks for all the prayers. I know God must have heard. Merry Christmas everyone.




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