Gabby's new Mickey button

Getting Gabby's feeding tube was a very hard day for me. We spent months deciding over it. Even back when we lived in Ligonier. We had a doctor tell us its enviable. She will need it at some point. I had wanted to prove him wrong. He said she could die at any moment with out it(Due to not getting enough nutrition, or if she would get sick). She was only 6 months old at the time. There was no way I would ever fail her that much that she would need a feeding tube. As the months went on Gabby kept gaining weight.It may have only been a pound or two. But then around her first Birthday she got sick, and lost the ability to eat baby food. She never regained the ability to eat again. Over the next 9 months my life revolved around her feeding schedule. If that meant 3 am feedings, then I would do it. My life was on a Gabby schedule. Trying everyday to get them 32 ounces of formula into her. I felt like a failure, that I could not make her eat enough. I could not spread apart her feeding enough to keep her from vomiting. I was failing as her Mom. I could not make her eat enough anymore. She stopped gaining weight, when I did get her to gain weight, she would loose it and them some every time she got sick. 20 lbs was her weight give or take a few pounds over 9 months. I would cry about it at night, while she screamed with me. She never slept..... I just did not get it. With some harsh feelings for my self, I decided it was time. I can remember the moment we decided. I cried....and cried...and cried. I at that moment was a failure! I came to grips with it about a week later. We meet with her dentist to have her bottom teeth pulled, and with a gentle shove he explained to me it would be in her best interest. On that Tuesday we saw Pediatric Surgery. I was so nervous.... I now had to tell a room full of Doctors I had failed her. They came in and I could barley talk. After reviewing all the records, and talking to them for almost an hour, we came to an agreement. While she was having her teeth removed they would do their surgery back to back. All we had to do is get the OR extended for 2 hours....I left in tears. Wednesday morning I got the call. They had got the OR extended and it was a go.

Thursday morning came..... We got up and headed to the hospital our arrival time of 5:30am. Such a long ride. Very quiet, not much was talked about between John and I. When we arrived, they whisk us off to a prep room. We spent about 30 minutes there, then they took my baby girl from my arms...... and walked away. It is the worst feeling knowing they are going in to do major surgery on your child. I will never be able to get used to that feeling. We spent about 5 hours waiting. The surgeon returned and pulled us into a private room. He informed us that she did great, and would be in post opp waiting on us. There was a minor incident, and since he was an honest man he wanted to tell us. On Gabby's last stitch the needle broke inside her. They ended up spending about 45 minutes getting an X-Ray machine to the OR, making an extra incision, then getting it back out and making sure there was no other damage done.

After we got up to our room I was a nervous wreck. Then this great Nurse came in sat next to me and started teaching me everything. She told us what we would need to know, and made us do everything with her to Gabby. :) It was great having someone who cared. When we returned home Gabby was still very sore and grumpy. I did freak out two days later when she yanked on the tube and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness for Visiting Nurse's in Paulding who let me bring her into the office to get her seen right then and there! She had only ripped a stitch, but there was allot of blood. So I was not going crazy, they helped me get it all cleaned up...and out the door we went! The next couple weeks went with out any incidents! I was getting used to the feeding schedule, and Gabby was gaining weight for the first time in almost a year. Then something great happened....Gabby started sleeping all night for the first time in her life! Yep in bed by 11 and back up at 8!

I now see I did not fail her as a mom for not being able to make her eat enough. If anything I failed her by not getting her feeding tube any sooner! She has gained almost 6.10 lbs in a little under 8 weeks, she is much healthier, happy child. She is starting to use her legs more, and best of all she is not fighting to say alive. I sometimes wish that just maybe I would have listened to that Doctor back in PA. I wonder what she would be doing if we had it put in them. But I cant live in the past, I cant live on what-ifs. I have to live with what is here and now! And right now Gabby is laying next to me on the floor squealing with her cousin Makalya screaming back!

I saw this the other day..It is my last and final thought for the day:

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

~ Mother Teresa