The joys of being a step parent....

Oh the joys of being a "step" mom. I first want to start off by saying. I have two "step" children.

Dillon 13 years old

Dillon and Kiera. I am an honest person so I will tell you Dillon don't live with us. He has not for almost a year (He returned back to Stacy's after the first nine weeks last year) He also lived with his mom for about months back in 2011. I would never not want to imply to anyone that he does. He comes to visit us for 4 weeks out of the summer, and some school year visits. He wanted to live with his mom and step dad. We always tell him we have an open door and he is welcome back at anytime. We don't ever pressure him, or make him feel bad for wanting to live there. We also don't question why he wants to live there. It was his choice, Of course I want all my family together....but I would NEVER put him in that position where we put him down or made him feel bad for living there.

Kiera 10 yrs old

With that said Kiera lives with us. I have helped raise/raised Kiera since she was 3. John and I meet i back in 2005. She made the choice to live with us, now she did live with her mom for about 5 months in 2011. Her mom would not let her come with us to Ohio,( Stacy's choice even though she saw the pain it caused Kiera -The judge wanted to wait until the school year had ended before the move) I know how much it hurt her, and that is why we let Dillon go back. I did not want him to have the hurt that Kiera had to go though. It was not fair to her. The same way it was not fair to Dillon to have to be here. John and I always try to put the kids feelings first. It is their lives we are talking about. :)

Its a choice to become a step parent. It not only means you are going to "marry" the husband but also marry his kids, and his ex and her new family as well. (At least for 18 years) The situation also gets more sticky when you have a step parent being a primary parent for the child. You have one Biological parent who will always feel betrayed or upset over the step parent getting to spend more time having a better relationship with the child. But in reality that step parent is with that child everyday all day. Helping do the role of the "mother or father" How the other parent handles the situation is always hard.

 I can say from personal experience that I am hated by bio mom. She is more worried about spending her  time putting me down, when her daughter is there that she is only creating a larger wedge between them. She is forgetting that my step daughter wants to live here. That she does love me and her family here, that we have a very strong bond. So every time she puts me down has something negative to say, or makes comments about her wanting to live here and put pressure on her to keep lies, she is not hurting me or my husband she is hurting my step daughter. Its very hard for her.I can also say my husband and I miss Dillon very much, but like him and I talked about he does not hold any anger toward step dad "Nate" for his helping of the raising of his son. John quotes " Nate is a good guy, who treats Kiera & Dillon good, that is all that matters to me" The relationship between my husband and his ex is not so good. After everything that has happened with the situation in 2008, all the court battles, there is just allot of anger at times. I personally don't care to deal with it. When I found out that I was having a disabled daughter I no longer focused any of my energy into a hopeless situation. I don't answer the phone when she calls, I give it to my step daughter. I sometimes do a transfer of the kids(Its 3 hours there and three hours back), but try not to have to. I don't like having to be in that situation. The last time I did it, we meet up at Children's hospital in Akron. (Gabby my disabled daughter had apts all day long) I had Kiera come with me as it was just a pick up of Dillon. Kiera had asked me if she could come and see if her mom could come an hour early so she could spend some time with them. I would never in a million years say no to Kiera.(with wanting to spend time with them) So I said yes, and with that I sat in my van  over an hour while they hung out. Its very hard for me. I personally don't like Stacy. I feel anyone that is willing to put another person down to a child has a lot to learn in life. I try and not even let the woman's name fall out of my mouth ever! And if it does, its to ask the kids "how is the pa family" because I don't want the kids to feel as if I don't care for the other half of their family. I have made many mistake's being a step mom, I will be the first to admit it.I have not always been the bigger person....there have been times where I have said the wrong thing or put bio mom down.I regret it, I know that is what caused the wedge between Dillon and I. It was a rough situation back in 2008, Cys was involved, the kids were removed from moms house due to failure of several drug test. The court hearings started, and my husband became full and sole. So that meant I became a full and sole time mom. It was hardest for me because during this year and a half span there was a lot of let down, and pain she caused the children. I became very bitter with the situation. we were primarily raising the kids (with a weekend visit twice a month to moms) ...then in 2010 we made the choice to move, (Jobs were few in PA) At that point it was the first time since 2008 that mom had a lawyer, and it prevented us from moving them with us. So against our wishes and what was best for the kids (Again my opinion) they had to stay there. Stacy and Nate were living with Nates parents, so we knew they would be safe, but I was at a loss. there was no court order in place other than we could not move them out of the state. So we got to see them very little....over the next 5 months. She did everything in her power to keep them away from us. It was very upsetting,(for the first time since 2006 we were not primary parents of the kids) we could go back to pa and take them from her, but could not leave the state with them.

On Easter 2010 the judge put out a 7(I think) page order that gave john the permission to bring them to Ohio. :) We thought it would picture perfect again. But the damage was done. The judge had wrote in the order where the children had wanted to live. Kiera wanted to live with us, and with that said.... Kiera's relationship changed for ever with her mom. We had to pick up the pieces, from what had been done. It hurt Kiera so much that her mom could turn on her so fast. Prior to the order mom was nice, for the 4 months.... Then that day it all changed. We knew Dillon wanted to live there, so it was no surprise to use, Nor did we make him feel guilty for making that choice.. We did however make him move here, against his wishes as the court order had said. He lived here for the first 6 weeks of school, and we soon came to realise we were causing him just as much pain as Stacy did to Kiera. He was not happy here, he wanted to live there. So John signed the paper work and back Dillon went. It does not mean we don't want him here, it just means we had to be the bigger parents, and do what was in the best interest  for Dillon. It was hard to let him go...but I see now it was what he had wanted and makes him happy. Since my daughter was born, I will and no matter what remove myself from the situation. I try and always be the bigger parent, such as asking Stacy what size of stuff Dillon wears, or what he wants for his birthday, but she always refuses to answer any text. Again, I would hate to get him something he would not want, but if she would rather that be the situation then that is on her shoulders. We are considering putting kiera back into therapy twice a month. I think at this point she is very hurt over some of the choices mom makes, and kiera's inability to be able to control them or stand up to her for fear of how she will get treated. So she just sits there and gets hurt over and over. So where do we go from here?

I am not sure, but day by day. I will keep standing behind kiera, always give her an open ear, and most of all love her and listen to her. I am the step mom that is her mom. I raise her, and pray that i am doing things right. As for Dillon, I will always love him, miss him, and love spending time with him while he is here. I don't talk to him over the phone or skype with him more for fear of if he says or I say something that could upset his mom I know her attitude will be to start trashing me right away. I know how hard this had to be for him. He intern says not so nice things about me, to her. I know he is in a horrible situation, but i have to believe in the end he knows I love him, that his dad loves him. We never did any of the court stuff to hurt him, to protect him till his mom could get better. I know I made mistakes, several, I know...I wish I could change them but I cant. So i hope and pray that the wedge that i had created between Dillon and I will someday change, I also hope that Stacy sees that she is making the same mistake i did and I pray that she stops before she creates that wedge between her and her daughter. Its already started...the words have already been said. It's how she moves forward from this point that will determine what their relationship will be in the future.

A step parent is more than just a parent: They made the choice to love when they did not have to.

~Maria